


Shelf Life

by blueskydog



Category: Godzilla: The Series
Genre: Action/Adventure, Gen, Godzilla (Zilla), Godzilla the Series, Kaiju action, Mushrooms, Mutants, fungus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2018-09-20 12:48:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9491588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueskydog/pseuds/blueskydog
Summary: At first, Mendel thinks it's just because Randy never cleans their office. But when the strange fungus begins spreading, the HEAT team realizes they have another mutant on their hands. How hard can it be to neutralize a mutant mushroom? The team is about to find out.





	1. Chapter 1

Mendel was disgusted. The office he shared with Randy was  _finally_  rid of all the garbage that had been littering the floor for days, and though it had cost him an afternoon of intensive cleaning, he was more than happy to see Randy's junk off in the garbage truck that had conveniently pulled up just as he was pouring his overflowing trash bin into the dumpster. Even so, he was still trying to rid his nose of the sour smell of Randy's leftover pizza (from two weeks ago if he went by the shade of green it had become) that he'd had to peel off the floor under the desk _._

He stomped out of the office, wiping the grime off his hands onto his white lab coat, and into the study. Part lab, part lounge, and almost always tidier than his and Randy's office had ever been. Two desks stood against the far wall below the window overlooking the pier, and numerous bookshelves crammed with thick-spined books and loose-leaf piles of paper hid the remaining walls. He paused next to one of the desks. Randy sat typing away at the computer, his jaunty dreadlocks bouncing as he vibrated with energy. He had the audacity to be whistling, completely oblivious to Mendel's ordeal. Elsie was leaning over Randy's shoulder, pointing with a red-painted fingernail at parts of the text on the computer and jotting something down on a notepad with her free hand. Mendel ignored the fact that their eyes were glued to the screen as Randy's fingers flew across the keyboard. He had to clear his throat several times before they pried their gazes away from their work.

"You're welcome," he said in what he hoped was a stinging voice.

"Aw, thanks, bud!" Randy said brightly, propping his elbows up on the desk. "I always knew I could count on you! What was it again?"

"Cleaning our office for the third time this week," Mendel said.

"You should start charging for it," Elsie said.

"Don't think it hasn't crossed my mind." Mendel put his hands on his hips. "Randy, our office is such a mess, the smell is consistently clinging to my clothing. Typically, I enjoy any generosity you offer, but when it comes to sharing your fungus, I'm not so crazy about it."

Elsie grunted incredulously as Randy stood up to face him. "Hey, you watch what you call my stuff!" the younger man snapped.

"I'm sorry." Mendel snorted. "I didn't realize how attached you are to mushrooms."

"Those happen to be a scientific experiment!"

"You? Scientific?" Mendel smirked, oblivious to Elsie, who had turned to face them full-on and had lifted a finger for silence. "I'd like to see that. No, wait, I take it back. I've already seen the results of your experiment—climbing up the walls!"

"Whoa, whoa!" Elsie said, stepping between them with raised hands. "Either of you guys got real ears, or do you just have insult reflectors? I've been trying to get your attention."

“Sorry, Elsie,” Mendel said. “Randy just drives me—“

“Not that,” Elsie snapped. “What the heck is all this talk about mushrooms? Is the junk in you guys’ office composting or something?”

“Apparently!” Mendel said.

“No way!” Randy glared at them both. “Like I said, it’s an experiment.”

“But there’re real mushrooms in there?” Elsie asked.

“Shelf fungus, to be exact,” Mendel said.

“So it really is climbing up the walls?”

Randy snapped, “If you’re so intrigued, why not come take a look?”

“No use. I’ve already thrown them in the trash,” Mendel said smugly.

Randy stared at him. “You didn’t!”

“What was I supposed to do, let them rot the whole place?” Mendel demanded. “Like I’ve always said, Randy, if you don’t do something about the mess in there, I will.”

Elsie grabbed one of each of their shoulders and spun them around to look at her. “This is all very entertaining, but I don’t think you guys quite get what’s really the problem,” she said.  “Mushrooms can’t just grow on walls. They feed off of organic matter. I doubt the wallpaper is very sustaining.”

“So?” Randy said. “I told you, it’s an experiment.”

Elsie pushed Randy over to their office. “Maybe you should give me more details. I’m not getting it,” she said.

Randy shook free of her and opened the door to the office he shared with Mendel.  Mendel tried not to look smug when they saw how clean it was. For once, the papers that used to litter the desk were tucked neatly into files leaning in the box on the floor. The computer was clean of fingerprints and grease stains, and the sparkling-clean window was open to let in some blessed New York air and what little sunlight penetrated the low-lying clouds. The floor was stripped of Randy’s used pizza boxes, chip bags and candy wrappers; the desk chairs had been vacuumed, and books returned (organized by subject) to the shelf.

A bit distracted by the sight, Elsie nodded approvingly. “Nice. You went all-out this time.”

“Apparently, just tidying isn’t enough,” Mendel said. “Hopefully this time it will last.”

Randy walked over to the corner in which he’d kept his “experiment” and saw the box was gone. The only thing remaining was an ugly, jagged stain on the wall, from which Mendel had scraped the shelf fungus.

“Thanks a lot, bro,” Randy said. “There goes a whole two days of scientific research.”

“Two days?” Elsie said. She was examining the stain on the wall. “That thing grew this much in just two days?”

“The damp weather we’ve been having created an ideal habitat for them in this stink hole,” Mendel said.

Elsie shook her head. “Mushrooms grow fast, but not that fast. What the heck did you do to them, Randy?”

“Nothing!” Randy said defensively.

Mendel laughed. “So much for scientific research!”

“Well, not nothing. I was studying them,” Randy said.

“More like you were just too lazy to clean up after yourself,” Mendel said.

Again Elsie felt the need to step between them. “Will you guys press pause for just a moment? Something really weird is going on here.” She turned to Randy. “Where did you get those mushrooms?”

“Farmer’s market,” Randy said. “This dude was selling all kinds of exotic plants. This one was the creepiest-looking, so I bought it.”

Elsie rubbed her temples. “You randomly bought a freak mushroom to stick in a box in your office?”

“That’s Randy for you,” Mendel said.

“The one and only,” Randy said proudly.

Elsie glared at him. “You never just buy a weird looking plant from a person you’ve never met,” she said. “Didn’t your mother teach you anything? And why the heck didn’t you tell me or Nick when it started growing like crazy?”

Mendel and Randy exchanged glances, then turned back to Elsie. “What’s the big deal?” Mendel asked. “I got rid of them.”

“Don’t you guys get it?” Elsie practically yelled. “Those were obviously not ordinary mushrooms. Typical shelf fungus doesn’t grow like that.”

“So?” Randy asked.

“ _So,_ there must have been something _weird_ about it,” Elsie said. “Potentially something _dangerous._ And you let it grow and _spread_ in here, and now Mendel _threw it away._ See anything wrong with this picture?”

Randy laughed. “You’ve been working too hard, Els,” he said. “What are you trying to say, the mushroom is a mutant?”

“Considering it behaves like no other mushroom known to man,” she snapped.

Mendel paled. “Wait. Are you saying—we had a mutant fungus _growing in our office_ for a full two days?” He gasped. “It could have been toxic!”

“It’s harmless,” Randy said breezily.

“How can you be so sure?” Mendel shouted.

Randy put an arm around Mendel’s shoulders. “If it was the least bit objectionable, you would have broken into a rash days ago,” he teased.

“So I’m your canary in a coal mine, am I?” Mendel snapped.

“Hey, at least you’re good at something,” Randy said.

“Cool it, you two,” Elsie said, stepping between them again. “Harmless or not, we’ve got another scientific anomaly on our hands, and we should check it out before the garbage truck sends it out to a barge in the middle of the ocean. Mendel, you threw it in the trash, right? Bring up the trash bin and let’s have a look.”

“Um,” said Mendel.

Elsie fixed him with a glare. “Um what?”

“Well, the bin was so full,” Mendel began, “after, you know, all of Randy’s junk—“

“ _How much_ did you throw out, exactly?” Randy demanded.

“Randy!” Elsie snapped.

“Okay! Sorry.”

“I took it out to the curb,” Mendel said.

“So…?” Elsie said. “To the curb we go.”

“The truck already came,” Mendel said.

If looks could kill, no doubt both Randy and Mendel would have been hospitalized within a minute. “Why did you drag it out so long?” Elsie demanded. “In the time it took you just to say that, we could have started going after it. We’ve lost at least five minutes just standing around and arguing.”

“For crying out loud,” Randy said. “I still don’t get what’s so dangerous about mushrooms.”

“That’s just it, Randy, we don’t know. And I want to find out before all of New York does. Is that too much to ask?” Elsie cried. “We’ve dealt with mutant fungus before, if you recall, and the results weren’t pretty.”

Nick walked into the study in time to hear Elsie’s last remark. Carrying a box of papers, he walked over to see what was up.

“Is something wrong, or did Mendel decide to clean his office again?” he asked with one of his rare attempts at humor.

“Both,” Elsie said. “Nick, will you get it into these morons’ heads that if shelf fungus grows five feet up your wall in a span of two days, it’s not normal?”

“I thought I smelled something rotting in there,” Nick said.

“Please, will someone take me seriously??” Elsie shouted.

“Relax, Dr. Chapmann,” Nick said. He only called her that when he meant business, or when trying to help her center herself. It worked. Elsie calmed visibly and took a deep breath. Nick set down his box. “Now, tell me what’s going on.”

Elsie explained while the other two fidgeted nervously. Nick listened silently, only nodding in reply, never once glancing at Randy or Mendel. When Elsie was done, he said, “It does sound peculiar. If we can catch up with that barge before it dumps the stuff, maybe we can figure out what’s the matter with it.”

“We could take the _HEAT Seeker_ ,” Mendel suggested. “And I bet Nigel can help us, too.”

“Unless he blows up again,” Randy said.

“Don’t worry,” Mendel snapped, “I’ll keep him away from you.”

Randy put a hand to his chest, looking wounded. “You can’t separate me from my family!” he said.

“Some family you are! I told you never to put coffee in his oil tank!”

“The poor guy looked like he needed a jolt,” Randy said.

“Both of you need a slap in the face,” Elsie said.

Mendel and Randy stepped carefully away from Elsie.

“But seriously,” Nick said, “If you could keep it together for just a few hours, it would be appreciated.”

“Right, now that that’s settled.” Elsie hurried over to her own desk and began gathering some research equipment. “I’m taking the _HEAT Seeker_ after that barge. Randy, Mendel, you’re coming with me.”

Nick glanced at the two troublemakers and cleared his throat. “Maybe Randy should come with me,” he said. “I was thinking we should check out whoever sold him that fungus.”

Elsie shook her head. “Randy’s the one who’s been growing that thing. I’ll need him to help identify it,” she said.

“Hey, giant mutant fungus in the middle of a garbage patch,” Randy said. “How hard can it be?”


	2. Chapter 2

Nick and Monique walked casually through the rows and rows of stalls at the farmer’s market. It was crowded with people, as usual, each one vying for the best deals in the least amount of time possible. The late-afternoon sky above was grey with clouds and the summer air was damp and humid, as it had been for the past few days. The sounds of honking horns and screeching tires penetrated even to this area, and as it mixed with the shouting and heckling going on around them, it was hardly what you would call peaceful. Nick’s eyes scanned over the various piles of fresh vegetables, potted plants, homemade goods, and who knew what-all.

“So far the only shelf fungi I’ve seen are those growing on the sides of these trees,” Nick remarked to Monique. “Are you having better luck?”

Monique shook her head.

“Well, I guess we keep looking.” Nick started down another row. About halfway down he felt Monique tap his shoulder. He turned to her expectantly.

“Over there.” She pointed.

Nick followed the direction of her finger and saw a little old man a few rows down, sitting behind a tiny, weather-worn wheelbarrow full of creepy-looking plants. Right off the top of his head, Nick identified several varieties of exotica, but there were several items he didn’t recognize.

“Poor guy isn’t getting many customers,” Nick said, noting the distinct lack of hecklers at the man’s stand.

“Is it any wonder?” Monique asked.

Weaving their way over, the two of them approached the man. He barely even glanced at them when they stood by his wheelbarrow. Nick stooped to examine the plants. Some unusual cacti were placed in old cans and other leftover food containers; clipped South American flowers were stuck in reused juice bottles. Nick’s fascinated distraction was cut off when Monique pointed to an orange, mushroom-ish-looking lump lying in a Styrofoam takeout box.

“Can you name that?” Her dark eyes surveyed the man critically.

“Nope,” the old man spoke up in a gravelly voice. “I just found it.”

“And decided to sell it?” Nick asked.  

The man shrugged. “What else, keep it? The thing grows like crazy. I had to burn it off my garden wall. The only thing it can’t live off of is Styrofoam, which is why I put it in there. Besides, it looks just like chicken-of-the-woods.”

Nick picked up the box to examine the mushroom more closely. It did look like _Laetiporus sulphureus_ , the sulphur polypore, nicknamed “chicken-in-the-woods” because of its tenderness and similar flavor when cooked. A startling bright orange color dramatic ruffles, he could see why Randy would have been attracted to it. But the sulphur polypore was not known to be as veracious as this man and Mendel would have him believe this particular specimen was. True, it was a parasite that lived off dead and dying wood, but garden walls? Something was definitely up with this mushroom.

“How much more is there?” he queried.

“There were only two pieces left after I burned it,” the man said. “Somebody bought one earlier this week, but I can’t seem to get rid of this one.”

“Hm, how strange,” Monique said dryly.

The man looked at her. “You want it? It’s no good eating, I tell ya. Tested a sample for dinner once, but it gave me and the wife stomach cramps. But it could’ve just been us. Want to try it for yourself?”

“Thank you, I would prefer not to corroborate your theory of its culinary value,” Monique replied.

Nick found the man’s comment somewhat peculiar. Most varieties of polypore are edible, especially chicken-in-the-woods, which was known to be quite delicious. Some people did complain of stomach upset after having eaten it, but that was mostly because they accidentally harvested _Laetiporus huroniensis,_ which also grows on trees and looks identical but is inedible and potentially harmful. He took a mental note of this. This was _definitely_ an unusual specimen.

“I’ll buy it.” Nick reached into his pocket. “How much?”

“Oh….ten dollars,” the seller replied.

Nick pulled out his wallet, but Monique put a hand to his arm. “That is preposterous,” she snapped at the man. “You can purchase three pounds of mushrooms for that much at the grocery store.”

The little man stood up indignantly. “This look like a grocery store, lady? This is a special mushroom!”

“You said yourself that it is inedible,” Monique said. “It grows too quickly to tend. Anyone would be outraged at being charged ten dollars for a vicious weed.”

“Vicious weed? It’s an exotic!” The man huffed. “Alright, I’ll give it to you for seven.”

Nick again reached for his wallet but Monique stopped him again. “For such a useless plant, that hardly seems fair,” she said.

“You want it or not?” the seller snapped.

Monique shrugged. “Perhaps we do not. As you said, no one seems to want it. Why should we?”

“Fine!” The man rolled his eyes. “You can have it for five. I’m not going any lower.”

Monique let out a long, low puff of air as if she were loath to relent, but nodded her acceptance. Nick handed the man a five dollar bill. The seller snatched it away with a scowl.

“Where exactly did you find this?” Nick asked.

“First you want it cheap, then you want to find more for free?” the man complained. “I found it in the woods by the processing plant. I was ‘shrooming with the wife, and we thought this was chicken-of-the-woods, but it turned out to be something much more _exotic_.” He said the last word with a pointed look at Monique.

“Good. Thanks.” Nick nodded, then turned with Monique to walk down the street.

“You know, I could have paid ten if it meant securing a potentially harmful fungus,” Nick said when they were out of the man’s hearing range.

“Why settle with that when you can obtain it for less?” Monique asked with a shrug. “Now you can buy Ms. Timmonds a bouquet.”

Nick blushed slightly at that. “Or a cup of coffee.”

*

“So what are we going to do, just jump in the back of the barge and hope we don’t get thrown overboard with the trash?” Mendel asked, sitting at the helm of the _HEAT Seeker_ as it made its way through the dreary, muggy place where the air met the ocean. As if it hadn’t been humid enough, now they had to go where it was even wetter. His sinuses were killing him. And the fact that the ocean reflected the greyness of the sky, making things look even bleaker than they really were, wasn’t helping his mood. “Not my idea of a safe way to spend the evening,” he added pointedly when no one seemed to hear his last remark.

“Then you shouldn’t have become a scientist,” Randy teased.

“Hey, nowhere in my job description did it say I would have to raid garbage barges!” Mendel snapped back.

“Relax, Craven,” Elsie said. She was currently stooped over her computer doing research on fungi.

“Relax? How can I? You’re all blaming me for losing a mutant mushroom in the trash stream. Now we’re supposed to plow through all of New York’s municipal waste to find it, on a barge that’s going to send it all to the bottom of the sea. I’m not sure the driver will be too pleased about that. Once we find it, we’ll have to get rid of it somehow. Not only do we have no clue how we’re going to do that, there’s a very real chance this thing could be toxic. How am I supposed to relax?”

“Um, I think I just solved two of your problems,” Randy said.

Mendel stared at him. “How?”

“Well, we won’t have to dig through the garbage to find it.” Randy pointed out the window. “And we won’t have to deal with the barge driver, either.”

Mendel followed Randy’s gaze and let out a strangled scream. Not far away from where they were, a garbage barge was bobbing violently on the waves. Floating away from the barge was the barge driver, paddling frantically on a large piece of driftwood. And straddling the barge itself was an enormous grey mushroom-y mass. It appeared to have tentacles. It appeared to have grown to the size of a house.

“What is it?” Elsie hurried over.

“Mushroom man just got a makeover!” Randy said.

“It’s alive!” Mendel screamed.

“It was always alive! It’s a fungus,” Elsie shot back.

“Didn’t it used to be orange?” Randy asked in confusion.

“Not important right now!” Elsie interrupted. “Mendel, get the motorboat and go rescue that sailor.”

“But the motorboat’s out of commission. I’m still trying to fix it,” Mendel protested, hoping Elsie would ask him to do something else now.

Elsie shot him a glare. “We still have a rowboat. Get on with it!”

“Me?” Mendel asked dejectedly.

Elsie was already rummaging through her supplies. “Unless you’d rather face the giant mutant mushroom with me.”

“Um, okay,” Mendel said, getting up quickly. “Motorboat—er—rowboat it is…” He hurried down below deck.

Randy looked nervously at Elsie. “So, I’m going with you then?”

“Stands to reason,” Elsie said.

“What exactly do you plan to do?” Randy asked.

“First, I want to get a sample of that thing. Then, I’ll answer your question.”

“In other words, you have no plan?”

“Wrong. I have a plan,” Elsie replied. “Don’t get eaten.”

“Ah,” Randy said. He thought about that. “Good plan.”


	3. Chapter 3

“I do not see that we are very much farther in our research,” Monique said, leaning against the desk where Nick sat busily typing at his computer. “Why did you not question the man further?”

“And raise his suspicions?” Nick asked. “You know better than that.”

Monique shrugged. “An old man’s suspicions about a fungus are hardly consequential.”

“But he might know more then he lets on. Besides, I got all I needed from him. The sample we secured is _Laetiporus sulphureus,_ a wild parasitic mushroom that lives off dead and dying trees. Their common name is sulphur polypore, due to its bright orange or yellow color and its many visible pores. They’re edible if cooked, with certain medicinal qualities as well.”

“Fascinating.” Monique did not look the least bit fascinated.

 Nick went on, ignoring her. “But this is apparently some kind of mutation. Obviously, a typical ploypore doesn’t grow this quickly, nor can it live off wallpaper, and it rarely causes severe allergic reactions when eaten.” A picture popped up on the computer screen. Nick sat back triumphantly and motioned for Monique to have a look. She leaned over to see.

“Here’s the processing plant he was talking about,” Nick explained. “It’s where they process and package vegetables before shipping them off to the grocery store.”

“Another example of American idiocy,” Monique muttered. “An entire factory devoted to wrapping plastic around produce.”

Nick cast her an annoyed look. “I didn’t invent the idea. The point is, part of the process involves cleaning and making sure the food is fit to eat. Now look at this.” He clicked a link on the bottom of the page, which took him to a related site.

“‘Irradiation’?”  Monique read the word at the top of the screen.

“That’s it,” Nick said. “A relatively new process, said to eliminate potentially hazardous particles from the food we eat. Expose the produce to a harmless amount of radiation, thereby, supposedly, rendering it clean.”

“I see,” Monique said sarcastically. “Expose edibles to toxic radioactivity to remove the dirt. How ingenious.”

“I didn’t invent this idea, either,” Nick retorted. “In fact, I can’t believe we’re actually doing this. It makes no sense to me. I think it’s insane to expose the food we eat to something as volatile and unknown as radiation.” He indicated their specimen, still sitting in its Styrofoam prison, now surrounded by Nick’s science equipment. “This sample contains trace amounts of radiation, but higher than the safety level recommended for the irradiation process. Sulphur polypore isn’t usually mass-processed for grocery stores, since it’s a wild mushroom and difficult to identify and harvest. My guess is that somebody decided to do a bit of experimentation with the irradiation process, and this mushroom was the unfortunate subject—conveniently growing in the woods beside the plant.”

Monique drew back, realization dawning on her face. “We have little idea what a ‘safe’ amount of radiation actually is,” she said. “And should they cross this thin line…”

Nick nodded. “You guessed it. Randy’s freak mushroom is the result. The radiation must have enhanced its ability to feed off of nutrient-poor substances, like the seller’s garden wall or Randy’s wallpaper. Seeing the danger in keeping the thing results of their experiment, the plant managers—responsible citizens that they are—cleverly dumped the reject into the woods in hopes no one would notice.”

Monique crossed her arm with a dark expression on her face. Before she could utter another derogatory comment about Nick’s homeland, the scientist quickly picked up his phone and dialed Mendel’s number.

*

On his way down to get the rowboat, Mendel’s phone rang. Yanking it out of his pocket, he answered it. “Hello?”

“Mendel, it’s Nick. Where are you guys now?”

“Uhh…” Mendel listened to the roiling waves outside. “In the middle of the ocean right next to a giant mutant mushroom?”

“Since when did this become a _giant_ mutant mushroom?” Nick asked.

“Since, I don’t know, since we found it!” Mendel said.

“Mendel, hand me off to Elsie. I need to tell her something about the mutant.”

Mendel was a little resentful that Nick couldn’t tell _him_ anything about the mutant, but he supposed it was probably fortunate, as Elsie was the one going after it. Besides, he had to go save that barge driver. Silently rebuking Elsie for always forgetting her own phone, he ran back upstairs and found her loading her research kit into her pack. Randy, sitting in the driver’s seat, was easing the _Seeker_ closer to the mushroom on the barge.

“It’s Nick,” Mendel started. Hardly were the words out of his mouth than the phone was out of his hand and against Elsie’s ear.

“Nicky, what did you find?” Elsie asked.

Mendel flinched as he always did when Elsie said “Nicky,” and decided this would be a good time to leave.

“It’s been what?” Elsie rubbed her temples. “Why did I not guess? Well, at least we know what caused it.”

“Tell him about the tentacles,” Randy yelled.

“They’re not tentacles, Randy, they’re mycelia,” Elsie said. “Fungal roots.”

“But those things are microscopic!” Randy said.

Elsie rolled her eyes. “This isn’t exactly your typical specimen,” she shot back. “Now be quiet, I’m talking to Nick.”

“So it’s grown then, has it?” Nick said from the other end of the line.

“Yup. Based on what you said just now, I’m betting that, in addition to enhancing its feeding ability, the irradiation also accelerated the mushroom’s natural growth, causing it to get this big in no time at all. That also explains the color change; sulphur polypores turn grey with age.”

“Just like people,” Randy mused.

“Is it sentient?” Nick’s voice was tight with apprehension.

Elsie glanced out the window at the huge fungus perched on the barge. At first glance, it looked as if it had a mind of its own; its long mycelia fluttered in the wind where they stuck out of the heap, and the wind caused the barge to rock as if the mushroom itself were moving and pulsing. And it was certainly growing at an alarming rate; already it was almost twice as large as it had been when they’d found it. But Elsie guessed the mutant had no consciousness—it didn’t react when a group of seagulls flew around it, attempting to peck off pieces for lunch. Nor did it seem to mind being continually splashed.

“I don’t think so,” she said. “But sentient or not, that thing is absorbing organic matter like nobody’s business. If the barge it’s on bumps into the shore, there’s no telling how big it will get, and how much it will eat when it lodges itself on land.”

“What’s your plan, then?” Nick asked.

“Well, I was going to take samples, but I see now that’s not really necessary. We know the nature of the beast; now we gotta figure out how to kill it.”

“Anyone for some roasted mushroom?” Randy asked. “If we got a barbecue big enough—“

“Very funny,” Elsie snapped back. “In case you haven’t noticed, that thing’s being soaked in ocean spray.”

“No, really,” Randy said. “Just get the G-Man to blow on it.”

“Well…” Elsie said.

“What did Randy say?” Nick asked, voice ringing with urgency.

“He just suggested we get Godzilla to breathe fire on the mushroom,” Elsie relayed. “But I’m not sure how we’re going to do that. The thing isn’t active; he won’t perceive it as a threat.”

“Then maybe we should attract him with something he does,” Randy said, leaning far back in his chair with his arms behind his head.

“If you have an idea, just spit it out!” Elsie cried.

Randy winked.

*

Mendel rowed as quickly as he could towards the man clutching desperately at his chunk of wood. Seeing Mendel come closer, the man dropped his vessel and began swimming over to the rowboat. Mendel helped him climb in and patted his back as he spat out a few mouthfuls of seawater.

“I have no idea what happened,” the poor man whimpered. “I was just sailing along when suddenly I noticed this—THING on my barge!”

“Don’t worry, we’re going to get rid of it,” Mendel assured him. _I hope,_ he added silently. “I’m a scientist. Dr. Mendel Craven,” he introduced himself.

“Steve,” the barge driver said. “Thanks for saving me.”

“No problem.” Mendel picked up the oars and began rowing again, thinking about how stupid it was that one would have to say “Thank you for not being a jerk and leaving me to die out here,” and that Mendel would reply with, of all things, _“No problem,”_ because not only was that a stupid thing to say, it was also very wrong.

This was a problem. This was a very big problem.

He watched the mushroom perched on the barge with its mycelia digging into the heaps and heaps of municipal waste. Mendel hated the fact that garbage was thrown into the ocean, and wondered briefly if perhaps this was not a good thing. If it liked to eat trash, why not let it utilize that as a resource, rather than simply dumping it? The mass of that mushroom could probably feed all of New York.

On the other hand, if Elsie was right and the thing was toxic, eating it probably wasn’t a very good idea.

He rowed up to the side of the _Seeker,_ tying the rowboat back onto the pulley. He began to hoist them back up and was surprised how quickly his elbows gave out, sending them splashing back down and leaving his palms red and burning.

“Ouch!” he yelled.

“Need a hand?” Randy shouted from above.

“Yeah, thanks a lot,” Mendel said. “If we all pull together it would make it much easier.”

“You say that in such an accusatory tone,” Randy said.

“Because I figured you just sat there watching me the first time around,” Mendel shot back.

With Randy and Steve’s help they pulled the rowboat back up. Joining Elsie in the cabin, they gave Steve a towel and a chair in the corner where he could sit shivering in fright without getting in the way, then discussed the latest on the mutant mushroom.

“I think it will work,” Mendel said, sitting at the helm once again. “But how are we going to get Godzilla to aim at the mushroom? It’s not harming anyone; he won’t perceive it as a threat.”

“That’s exactly what I said,” Elsie said with a sigh. “You’re not going to like the next part.”

“Well, you see, Crave-Man,” Randy said, “all we have to do is lure the big guy over to Fungus Humongous with something. You know, bait. Something that he _would_ use his atomic breath on. Like Nigel.”

Mendel’s nods, in response to Randy’s preliminary statements, jerked to a stop when Mendel did a double take.

“No!” he shouted, jumping to his feet. “We’re not sacrificing my robot to Godzilla’s fury!”

“Come on, doc,” Randy said. “He’s been through worse. I’m sure you’ll be able to fix him up in no time. A smart guy like you—“

“You’re not going to flatter me into doing this,” Mendel snapped. “Besides,” he added suddenly, a smirk revealing itself on his face, “Nigel isn’t here. I left him at the base.”

Elsie and Randy exchanged surprised glances. “You never leave Nigel behind,” Randy said.

“I did this time. Just to be safe.” Mendel crossed his arms. “So there. New plan. Let’s have it.”

“Who’s Nigel?” Steve spoke up.

“What’s Nigel,” Elsie corrected. “He’s a robot Mendel invented.”

“A _highly sophisticated_ piece of complex machinery,” Mendel elaborated. “ _Not_ something you can just through away at Randy’s whim.”

“Yellow and black, four wheels, little round head with one eye-thing?” Steve asked, leaning closer.

“Why, yes,” Mendel said, turning to him in confusion. “Have you heard of him?”

“I thought he looked familiar!” Steve snapped his fingers. “No worries, people. He’s here after all. I saw him below deck when we were loading up the boat.”

He beamed at them, obviously thinking he’d done them some great favor. And if you went by Elsie and Randy’s delighted plunge down the stairs, he actually had. Mendel turned away with a sigh and a slight whimper, mentally going through the list of what he would do to rebuild Nigel once again.

He should have left Steve to fend for himself in the ocean.

 


	4. Chapter 4

“Everything in place?” Elsie asked a few minutes later, joining Mendel below deck.

Mendel, kneeling next to Nigel as he prepared him for his underwater adventure, only nodded.

“Don’t worry, Craven. Nigel can stand anything,” Elsie said. “And even if he can’t, he’s got you to fix him up good as new every time.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” Mendel grumbled.

“Wow, you really _are_ upset,” Elsie said dramatically. “Ignoring a compliment from me. Oh well, see if I ever try that again.”

“I don’t care what you do.” Mendel stood, wiping his hands off on his lab coat.

“Sheesh, Mendel, anyone would think you liked that robot better than me,” Elsie snapped.

Mendel rounded on her angrily. “Look, maybe I’m just tired of having me and everything I do be the butt of everyone else’s joke,” he spat.  “You try having your life’s work constantly derogated and thought so little of as to be considered disposable by the entire rest of your team. Nigel was not invented to be lizard bait. He’s an extremely sensitive, sophisticated piece of machinery. And I’d appreciate it if you guys lay off him for a little while.”

He flung open the hatch through which Nigel would soon be lowered, revealing the ocean beneath their feet. Then, turning on his heel, he stormed back up the stairs, leaving a surprised Elsie standing alone behind him.

Randy was sitting at the steering wheel. He turned to greet Mendel as he walked up but Mendel gave no sign as to having noticed. He picked up Nigel’s controls and looked out at the barge, where the giant mushroom still sat gorging.

“Are we in position?” he demanded.

“Uhmmm—yes,” Randy said, a bit taken aback at Mendel’s abrupt attitude.

“Then let’s get this over with.” Pressing a few buttons on the control pad, Mendel lowered Nigel into the water. Glancing at the Nigel-Cam visuals that Randy had pulled up on the computer, he carefully steered Nigel through the water and away from the boat.

“So, you know where the G-Man is right now?” Randy asked.

“Nigel had him located on his sensor. He’s sleeping in his cave right now. When Nigel gets over there, he’ll let out a series of ultrasonic blasts that should cause Godzilla mild agitation, awakening him and compelling him to apprehend the source of the sound,” Mendel said, in his science mode.

“Good ol’ Nigel,” Randy said.

Mendel snorted, eyes glued on the computer screen.

“What did I say?” Randy asked.

“Oh, nothing,” Mendel said. “At least nothing I can remember. Oh, that’s right, because I wasn’t there when you said it. Hm, let’s see, I think it was—YES, I WANT TO BUY THE STUPID MUSHROOM!!”

Randy leaned back from the onslaught. “Hey, I had no idea,” he objected.

“You never _do,_ Randy, that’s the problem!”

“Shut up, you two,” Elsie snapped, joining them. She was still smarting from Mendel’s previous outburst. “We’ve got work to do.”

*

In a cavern below the island, Godzilla lay curled on the floor. Enormous bubbles of air streamed out from his nostrils as he breathed out slowly in his sleep. The big lizard had adapted to taking long, slow and even breaths underwater so as not to use up his supply of oxygen in his sleep. Should his oxygen levels ever grow short, it flipped a mental switch in his brain, reminding him to return to the surface for some air. But right now, he’d only just fallen asleep, and was dozing peacefully with plenty of oxygen to spare.

Squeaking blissfully into the cavern’s opening was Nigel. His little propeller left a stream of bubbles in his wake as he drifted closer to the giant mutant lizard.

 _Subject is sleeping,_ Nigel reported. _Breathing, regular._

Nigel crept as close as Mendel dared steer him before letting out a series of irritating noises, too high for the human ear to perceive, but annoying enough to wake Godzilla from his slumber.

Rumbling dangerously, Godzilla stirred; his tail lashed through the water, and the current that resulted knocked Nigel off-balance. Spinning upside down, Nigel beeped frantically until Mendel was able to steer him upright again. And just in time, too: Godzilla was unfolding to his full size, head scraping the stony roof of the caverns, feet spread out as he prepared to lunge at the irritating robot. He let out a sharp growl before diving at Nigel.

“Steer away, doc! He can’t eat him yet!” Randy yelled at Mendel at the other end of the controls.

“Shut up, Randy, I’m working here!”

Nigel turned and sped out of the cavern, still emitting his ultrasonic screech to make sure Godzilla followed him. With an expression that was half amusement and half dark annoyance, Godzilla swam after him, his streamlined body rippling easily through the ocean in his pursuit.

“Can’t Tin Man go any faster?” Randy demanded. “It won’t work if the big guy eats Nigel before he gets to the mushroom!”

“You want to try steering him?” Mendel snapped. Then: “I take that back, I don’t want you to even try.”

Nigel sped through the water, his trail of bubbles growing thicker. Behind him, Godzilla snorted as the bubbles tickled his nose. Even more annoyed now, he gave a mighty kick with his back feet that sent him shooting forward.

Mendel screamed as he saw Godzilla’s gaping mouth bear down on Nigel. With no hope of going faster than the lizard, he swerved Nigel to the right, then steered him upward as quickly as he could, dodging Godzilla’s teeth. They clamped closed on empty water. Mendel wiped the sweat from his brow.

Godzilla’s eyes appeared to glimmer as he curved gracefully in the water to follow Nigel. “What’s tuna breath so happy about?” Mendel muttered.

“Hey, don’t insult the G-Man,” Randy said, crossing his arms. “Nigel’s just giving him a run for his money. I think he’s enjoying it.”

“The thrill of the chase,” Elsie chimed in. “Nick did say he could use some mental stimulation.”

“Hey, you should do this more often,” Randy said.

“No way am I sacrificing Nigel to Nick’s fatherly whims,” Mendel snapped.

“Just focus on making sure he doesn’t get eaten now,” Elsie advised.

Mendel accelerated Nigel’s speed and steered him back towards the mushroom. He glanced at the radar he’d connected to Nigel’s sensors. They were nearing the mushroom.

“This will never work,” Mendel said. “What if Godzilla doesn’t use his fire breath? What if he decides just to stomp Nigel or something?”

“We’ll worry about that when it happens,” Elsie said.

“I’m worried about it now.” Mendel jerked Nigel to the right again as Godzilla aimed a chomp in his direction. “They’re getting closer…”

“Just make sure Godzilla doesn’t capsize us,” Elsie retorted.

Still in the corner, Steve spoke up. “Uh…I don’t suppose…there’s any chance I could get out of here?”

“Sorry, bud,” Randy said. “It’s too dangerous. You’re a lot safer in here. Just sit back and enjoy the show.” Randy demonstrated by leaning back in his chair and propping his feet up on the monitor. Mendel angrily shoved the feet away, causing Randy to tumble to the floor. Rubbing his head, he rose to his feet and glanced back at Steve, who looked scared.

“Unless you irritate the Crave-Man,” Randy said, “you’re perfectly safe.”

*

Back at headquarters, Nick stood on the roof, gazing out at the ocean with a pair of binoculars. He was trying to locate the others. They must have been pretty far out to sea. At least the mushroom wasn’t so big he could see it from miles off. But he worried about Godzilla. If that mushroom was toxic, would Godzilla’s previous exposure to radiation be enough to protect him? What if he decided to take a chomp out of it? Or what if Elsie was wrong and it actually was a sentient being? These thoughts were not unlike the ones that constantly ran through his head every time they depended on Godzilla to protect them from a mutant monster. Nick felt sure they had faced worse threats in the past, but still, he hoped he would not be surprised. He hoped their plan would go as easily as Elsie and Randy seemed sure it would. But he had to consider all the possibilities. If Godzilla was unable to neutralize the giant fungus, they would need another plan.

He couldn’t help chuckling at the first thing that popped into his head. “If we could find a giant Styrofoam box…”

Monique approached him from the side and joined him in looking out. “Can you see anything?” she asked.

Nick handed her the binoculars and she peered out. “No, nothing,” he said. “Which is probably fortunate, since I couldn’t do anything about what would be going on, anyway.”

“Yes, but should you see something we _can_ act upon…” Monique adjusted the binoculars. She made an irritated noise and held them out, looking at them with a critical eye. “These are outdated,” she said. From under her jacket she pulled out a different set of binoculars. They were slimmer looking but seemed to be electronically amplified.

“Where do you get these things?” Nick demanded.

Monique just smirked and, dropping Nick’s binoculars unceremoniously to the floor, held up her own to look out.

“Can you see that?” Quickly she handed them to Nick and pointed. A bit grudgingly he took the high-tech binoculars from her and looked out. The view was much better now; he could see farther and the images were sharper. Following Monique’s direction, Nick saw a grey speck on the horizon, and against it, a white dot that he immediately recognized as the _Seeker._ “That’s the fungus!” he said in shock. “I had no idea it was _that_ big.”

“It appears to have grown,” Monique said.

Nick leaned forward, as if the movement of a few inches could somehow increase his visual capabilities. Monique patiently reached over to press a button on the side of her device. Nick jumped slightly, startled by how quickly the binoculars zoomed in on the scene. Now he could see movement in the water, which he guessed was Godzilla pursuing Nigel, and the long tendrils waving in the air that Elsie said were the mushroom’s mycelia. “I hope Elsie knows what she’s doing.”

Monique sighed. “If the idea was Randy’s, I fear we are all doomed,” she said helpfully.

“Don’t insult my intern.” Nick kept his eyes glued on the mushroom. Was that Godzilla’s tail he could see in the water beside it?

Monique grabbed his arm and started pulling him away. “Hey!” he said, startled and losing his focus on the mushroom. “What’s the big idea?”

“Come.” Monique tugged him towards the helicopter launch pad. “We must get a better view.”

“Never any warning.” Nick dropped the binoculars and followed her.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Mendel was sweating as he steered Nigel towards the barge. “Okay, here we go,” he muttered, pushing a few buttons. Nigel veered upward and broke through the surface of the water. Godzilla was close behind him; body streaming elegantly through the murky ocean, he opened his jaws below Nigel in preparation for the final snap.

“Hurry up, doc!” Randy yelled.

“I thought I told you to shut up!” Mendel yelled back.

Leaning over the monitor, watching the camera feed closely, Mendel sent Nigel climbing up the barge. Godzilla’s head surfaced, his teeth snapping shut on nothing once more. He looked in the direction of the boat with an expression of what could only be annoyance.

“He doesn’t like being manipulated,” Mendel said pointedly. 

“It’s for the greater good,” Elsie said. She had her hands on the back of Mendel’s chair and was watching his every move like a hawk. “Just go through with the plan. Godzilla will forgive you eventually.”

“Are we really safe with that thing so close?” Steve had grown more frightened by the minute and was now nearing hysteria.

“Randy, take him on back, will you?” Elsie asked.

Randy looked at her in dismay. “Aw, but I want to see the G-Man total Nigel!”

“Haven’t you seen that happen often enough?” Mendel asked through clenched teeth.

Randy sighed and got up, motioning to Steve to follow him into the back room. “There’s a window in there too, I bet it’s an awesome view,” he said enthusiastically.

“Um,” Steve said.

*

“Don’t go too low,” Nick said. “You might distract Godzilla.”

At the controls of the helicopter, Monique sighed. She knew Nick was just paranoid, but really, by now he should be able to trust her judgment with such things.

Nick leaned out his side window to watch the scene below. From here, he had a clear view of Godzilla several yards below as he churned in the water, eyeing the _Seeker_. He could also see Nigel teetering his way up the side of the immense fungus. Nick was shocked to see it up close. It had completely encased the barge in its shelf-like sections, and its many mycelia protruded from its underside as it searched for more sustenance.   

He’d have to talk to Randy, again, about the dangers of messing around with peculiar organisms.

*

Suddenly Mendel pointed up and out the window. A movement in the sky had caught his attention, and looking up he saw it was a helicopter hovering overhead.

“That must be Nick. What’s he doing here?”

“Couldn’t trust us alone with the kid,” Elsie surmised. She turned on the radio and tuned in to the chopper’s signal.

“Hey Nicky, what’s the matter, don’t you trust me and Mendel?” she asked into the speaker.

“A little less humor would be appreciated at this time,” Nick countered. “You didn’t tell me the thing was so big.”

Elsie shrugged, then remembered Nick couldn’t see her and said, “What was I supposed to do, measure it?”

“You could have given me a rough estimate.”

“Does its exact size even matter? Besides, it’s been growing.”

“Size always matters, Elsie.”

Mendel stalled Nigel halfway up the mushroom. He watched Godzilla look from the boat to the chopper and then Nigel again. “He can’t decide what to focus on. He’s losing interest in Nigel,” Mendel called to Elsie.

“Hey Nick, tell French Fry to pull up. You’re distracting Godzilla,” Elsie said into the radio.

“Oh, and you are not?” came Monique’s voice from the other end of the line.

“Why must everyone always blame someone else?” Nick demanded. “Can’t we cooperate for once? Can nobody claim responsibility for anything? Monique, pull up. Elsie, see if you can’t back off the _Seeker_ a bit. And Mendel, tell Nigel to start talking again.”

“Won’t the movement of the boat make Godzilla lose attention again?” Mendel asked.

Elsie made for the _Seeker’s_ control panel. “Not if Nigel barks loud enough.”

“Why is it I have to do everything?” Mendel muttered. He sent the command to Nigel, and the robot once again began emitting the ultrasonic blasts he had earlier. In the water, Godzilla shifted to face the robot, letting out a brief cry of annoyance. He ignored the movement of the boat and helicopter as they moved away, and focused on the source of the infuriating noise. Placing his front legs onto the barge, he attempted to haul himself up next to Nigel.

“Wait, no!” Mendel cried.

“What’s up?” asked Elsie, who was busily steering the boat away from the scene.

“He’s climbing onto the barge. It won’t hold his weight—“

In the helicopter, Nick saw what Godzilla was doing and attempted to wave him down through his open window. “Godzilla, back away!” he called down, using a command he knew he recognized. But over the rumble of the boat, the chopping of the helicopter blade, and the ultrasonic sounds that Nick could not hear, his voice was lost. Godzilla heaved himself onto the barge, causing it to tilt towards him. With a startled cry he let go, leaping back into the water with a massive splash that sent the _HEAT Seeker_ spinning a few extra yards away. A bit of the wave hit Nick in the face even as Monique steered them out of harm’s way.

Godzilla was safe, treading water in the ocean, but unfortunately Nigel wasn’t so lucky. The weight of the giant mushroom sent the tilted barge rocking back into place, catapulting Nigel off. The robot soared through the air with his characteristic scream and disappeared in the wake of Godzilla’s wave.

“We lost Nigel!” Mendel shouted. “And Godzilla didn’t even fry the mushroom!” He and Elsie were both currently on the floor after being sent spinning. But Mendel still had Nigel’s controls and could see what had happened via the Nigel Cam. He stared forlornly at the now-blank screen.

“Well.” Elsie was stunned. “That worked well.”

“I told you it wasn’t going to work,” Mendel snapped.

“That doesn’t help us right now,” Elsie shot back, rising and going back to the steering wheel.

“Yeah, but it might have helped us earlier, if you’d just listened to me!” Mendel said.

In the back room, Randy helped Steve to his feet—they too had been knocked off-balance by Godzilla’s wave. Randy cocked an ear, listening to Mendel and Elsie bickering in the other room. He felt a twinge of guilt, knowing that it was his fault Nigel was now making his way to the bottom of the sea. Actually, it was his fault for two reasons: for buying the mushroom in the first place, and for coming up with the idea that hadn’t worked. Not that it was his fault it hadn’t worked. Either way, though, he felt he should do something about it.

He’d heard what Nick said over the radio about taking responsibility. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. If he could get Nigel back, maybe that would make Mendel feel better about the whole thing.

“Ready for another ride in the rowboat?” Randy asked Steve.

Steve looked horrified. “With that thing in the water?”

“C’mon, it’ll be fun!” Randy gave him a winning smile. He pushed Steve down the stairs and over to hatch. “Besides, the G-Man knows better than to blast one of his buds.”

“You’re….buds?” Steve asked incredulously.

“Of course! Any friend of his daddy is a friend of his!”

“Um, but I don’t know Dr. Teradopolous,” Steve stuttered.

Randy sighed as he tugged to rowboat over to the hatch. “First of all, it’s Tatopoulos. Not—whatever it was you said.” He opened the hatch to the ocean outside. “Second, I won’t let the G-Man eat you. Besides, he doesn’t like eating people. They give him cramps.”

The humor of his last remark was lost on Steve. The man turned as white as a sheet and glanced nervously out the open hatch as if expecting Godzilla’s tongue to be there waiting for him to step on it. Randy gently pushed him into the rowboat and followed suit. He kicked them off, ignoring Steve’s startled yelp as they took the three-foot plunge into the water. Randy stood up to close the hatch behind him before they drifted slowly away from the boat.

“Oops,” he said suddenly.

“What?” Steve squeaked out.

Randy turned to him with a shrug. “Forgot the oars,” he said.

 


	6. Chapter 6

“What now?” Monique asked.

Nick stared down at Godzilla. The giant lizard was treading water, head cocked as he listened for Nigel. Apparently hearing that the noise had stopped, he let out a triumphant roar and lashed his tail gleefully through the water.

“I don’t know,” Nick admitted. “Maybe the others have a Plan B.” He radioed down to the _HEAT Seeker._

“Elsie, Mendel, what’s your next move? If we don’t act fast, Godzilla will swim away,” he said urgently.

“Sorry, Nick, I’m not sure what to do next,” came Elsie’s annoyed reply. “You should talk to Mendel. He’s been yammering about a backup plan, so maybe he has something.”

“Nick, no one’s been listening to me!” Mendel burst out. Nick pulled his earphones away from his ears slightly. “What’s the point of being on a team if you don’t weigh what everyone says with equal measure?”

“I’d love to talk with you about this, Mendel, but now is not the time,” Nick said. “We need to figure out how to get rid of this mushroom.”

“Ask Randy. He’s the one who got us into this mess. He should get us out of it!”

Nick sighed. “Fine. Where is Randy?”

“In the back,” came Elsie’s voice. Then, a moment later. “Umm…he must have taken Steve downstairs…” After another much-too-long silence, during which Nick exchanged confused and exasperated looks with Monique, Elsie returned with, “He’s out in the ocean.”

Nick clapped the earphones back on tighter. “Run that by me again?”

“He took the rowboat out to sea,” Mendel muttered in confusion. “With Steve. Why the heck? Are they trying to get themselves killed?”

“Down there,” Monique said suddenly. She pointed below, then steered the helicopter closer to something in the water. Nick leaned out again to look down and saw, not far from Godzilla’s leisurely churning paws, Randy and another person (probably Steve, whoever that was) floating aimlessly in the rowboat. But perhaps not so aimlessly after all…

“Mendel, do you read me?” Nick asked into the radio.

“Yes,” Mendel said immediately.

“Don’t worry, Randy’s not suicidal. He’s rescuing Nigel.”

Elsie laughed, but there was a long silence from Mendel before he spoke. “What?”

“He’s got a cable and a pole and he’s fishing Nigel out of the sea.”

“That’s so sweet,” Elsie said. “You should be grateful, Mendel.”

“I am. Or at least, I will be, once I overcome these preliminary waves of shock and disbelief. Now Nick, can you please lower the chopper enough to pick them up before Godzilla smashes them to pieces with his feet?”

Nick nodded at Monique, and she steered the helicopter towards the rowboat, into which Randy and Steve were now hauling Nigel. Randy waved cheerfully up at them, seemingly oblivious to the eminent danger he was in, floating so close to Godzilla. Currently, Godzilla had his eyes on the chopper and was watching it curiously, but if he got bored and decided to take the plunge, the tiny rowboat could easily be turned over in the wake of his dive.

But as the helicopter neared the ocean surface, something lashed out at them, causing them to jerk off course. At first Nick thought it was Godzilla’s tail, but after the first instant he knew it was much too long and thin to be that. As Monique steadied the chopper (cursing in French as she did so—or at least Nick assumed she was cursing based on the venom in her voice) Nick looked out the window again to see one of the mushroom’s long mycelia lashing out at them.

“Whoa!” he yelped, for lack of a better exclamation. He didn’t know any French curses.

“What is it?” Elsie called out over the radio.

“I thought you said that thing wasn’t sentient!” Nick said.

“It isn’t! At least, I thought it wasn’t. Why, is it attacking you?”

“If it’s not, it sure seems like it!” Nick looked down again in fear, searching for Randy in the rowboat. Past the throng of now-active mycelia, he could see that Nigel was safely beside them in the boat, but Randy and Steve seemed to be bickering over what to do next.

“Why do they not row away?” Monique demanded. “Are they truly so clueless?”

“Uh, yes and no,” Mendel squeaked over the radio. “It appears they left the oars behind.”

“Then how did they get out there?” Elsie asked.

“Very slowly, I’m presuming,” Mendel said.

“They need to get out of there faster! Monique, can we get any lower?”

Monique pursed her lips and tried to steer them downwards again, only to have the creature lash out at them, this time with several of the tentacle-like appendages.

“Up! Up! Up!” Nick cried.

Quickly Monique steered them up again. The mycelia pursued them, trying to latch on to them, it seemed. One mycelium succeeded in wrapping itself around the handle of the door on Nick’s side. Quickly pulling out his pocket knife, Nick sliced at it until it fell away in shreds.

“What is going on?” Monique snapped into the radio. “You said it was not sentient.”

“No, I said I _thought_ it wasn’t sentient. It was an educated guess.”

“Well then, re-educate yourself.”

“You want to try being a scientist for a day, Frenchie?”

“Both of you, calm down,” Nick said. “This isn’t constructive. Apparently the thing _is_ sentient. I guess when it had enough food on the barge, it didn’t feel the need to pursue any of us. But now—“

“It’s run out of trash to chew,” Elsie finished. “And we’re the closest thing it has to a resource.”

“Hey, look!” Mendel called out.

Not sure where else to look, Nick looked down. But he didn’t have to look far to see what Mendel was referring to. With a mighty roar, Godzilla surged towards the flailing mushroom. He tore at the mycelia with his claws, still paddling in the ocean with his back legs.

Elsie cheered. “Go get ‘im, big guy!”

“Monique, while it’s distracted!” Nick pointed down at the rowboat.

Monique gave a crisp nod and they plunged downward again. Nick unbuckled himself and slid out of the cockpit and into the back. Quickly he pulled open the door.

“The harness, Doctor,” Monique called after him. “This is no time to play at heroics.”

There was nothing heroic about falling to his death, so Nick listened to her and clipped on the harness that was tied securely to a winch by the door. Easing closer to the gaping doorway, he steadied himself against the wind that tore at him. He looked out quickly at Godzilla as he grappled with the mutant fungus. Was it just Nick’s imagination, or did it seem like Godzilla was being pulled under the giant mass?

“Over here, jefe!”

Nick looked down again to see Randy waving at him, now only a few feet below the chopper. Nick threw down the rope ladder and waited in the doorway to help them.

Steve climbed up first, scrambling madly up and clutching at Nick with all his might when he reached the top. Nick disentangled himself from the terrified man and looked down again to see Randy tying Nigel onto the ladder.

“You first, Randy,” Nick shouted down.

“Nope,” Randy said as he secured the robot. “I owe this to the doc.”

“That’s all well and good, but Mendel can’t put you back together if you fall apart,” Nick said.

Randy chuckled and tied one last knot to ensure the robot’s safety.  Then he started climbing up the rope ladder. He glanced over his shoulder at the fight going on between Godzilla and the mutant fungus.

“Whoa…Godzilla’s being beaten by a mushroom?” he said in disbelief.

As if to prove itself a worthy adversary, the mushroom sent one of its mycelia surging in Randy’s direction. Seeing it coming, Monique jerked them upward, but the sudden movement caused Randy to lose his grip. Fumbling for a minute, he slid down several rungs before saving himself by wrapping his arms around Nigel.

“I’ll never make fun of you again, buddy,” Randy said gratefully.

“Hang on,” Nick shouted down.

“On it, jefe,” Randy said back.

Nick and Steve each grabbed a side of the rope ladder and started hauling Randy and Nigel back up. The mycelium continued to lash out at them, coming to rest around Randy’s ankle. Randy yelped and desperately began to bat at it. Nick reached down and grabbed Randy around the middle, pulling him all the way in. Steve hacked furiously at the mycelium with Nick’s knife until it fell away, defeated.

Randy lay sprawled on the floor with Nigel. Nick slid the door closed against the battle raging outside. He glanced down at his former intern and let loose a sigh of relief at his safety.

“You okay?” he asked.

“I’m never eating mushroom again,” Randy gasped.

Nick laughed. “You’d better not buy anymore, either.” He turned back and leaned into the cockpit to pick up his headset. “Elsie, do you copy?” he asked.

“Loud and clear,” Elsie said quickly. “Everything alright?”

“Randy’s fine. So’s Nigel,” Nick reported.

There was a clatter as, apparently, Mendel rushed over to the radio, shoving Elsie aside. “Is Randy alright?” Mendel cried. “Oh, please—“

“He’s fine,” Nick said, glancing over his shoulder at where Randy now stood behind him eavesdropping.

Randy leaned forward to speak into Nick’s mike. “Aw, I didn’t know you cared so much, doc!” he teased.

“You’re an idiot,” Mendel said, relieved.

*

Meanwhile, Godzilla was grappling with the mushroom. The mycelia proved too numerous to apprehend. Tangled within them, struggling against their pull, he let out a roar and sent a stream of fire at the base of the mushroom. Severed from the massive plant, the mycelia fell from Godzilla in lifeless strands into the ocean. But more only swarmed to take their place. Godzilla lunged at the grey mass, tearing at it with his claws and teeth. The mycelia continued to lash out at him. Wrapping themselves around him, they began pulling him underneath the enormous fungus. He thrashed in their grasp, but he couldn’t resist as he was dragged under.  

 “What’s going on?” Nick asked in alarm.

“It must be attracted to the radiation in his body,” Elsie radioed back. “It looks like it’s trying to absorb him or attach itself to him for a host.”

“Hey, he can’t do that to the G-Man!” Randy protested.

“Apparently it already has,” Monique replied.

“What can he do?” Nick asked. “It’s like he completely disappeared. I can’t believe this thing got the better of him.”

“Well, you know better than anyone the effects of radiation on living organisms,” Elsie said. “This mushroom certainly got an overdose.”

“This thing’s worse than Matango!” Randy exclaimed. He received some blank stares in response. “You guys really need to brush up on your movie monsters,” he said. “You know, the movie where the people who eat the mushrooms turn into freaky mushroom-heads..?”

“Not really relevant right now,” Nick said.

 “Isn’t there anything we can do?” Mendel asked over the radio. “We can’t just let it eat him!”

“Even if he can’t get himself out, it will take quite a while for the mushroom’s mycelia to break Godzilla down into nutrients it can absorb into itself,” Elsie mused.

Randy exchanged a glance with Nick. “You mean—it’s digesting him?” Randy asked.

“Basically,” Elsie said darkly.

“So what can we do?” Nick demanded. “That thing’s a parasite. It could kill him.”

“Sorry, Nick, it looks like Godzilla’s on his own right now.”

All eyes fixed on the massive lump of fungus floating on the barge. There was no sign of Godzilla. It was as if the mushroom had completely absorbed him already.

But then a rip appeared on the surface of the fungus, and a stream of green fire burst out. Randy cheered as Godzilla’s head broke free from the mushroom, sending charred chunks of its fungal flesh tumbling into the ocean. Godzilla continued to tear at the mushroom, securing each piece in his grasp before aiming a breath of fire at it. The mycelia lashed out at him, again tangling around him and attempting to drag him away; but they could only reach his head and shoulders, as the rest of him was still inside the mushroom. Twisting his head this way and that, Godzilla fired blast after blast of atomic fire at the mycelia, continuing to shred at the grey chunks of the mushroom.

“Yes! He’s got it now!” Mendel shouted over the radio.

“I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again—“ Randy started. He paused. Nick and Monique looked at him expectantly. “Aw, you know what I was going to say.”

“I don’t,” Steve said.

Randy put his arm around the barge driver. “Just for future reference,” he said, poking him in the chest, “never bet against the G-Man.”

Steve just blinked at him.

Godzilla let out another roar as he freed himself from the mushroom’s fungal shelves. All that remained were the severed chunks that had fallen victim to his claws. For good measure, he breathed a final blast of fire at the remaining pieces until they had turned to ash. Standing alone on the empty barge, his tail lashed in triumph and he looked up at the helicopter.

“Yes!” Randy crowed. “Another mutant menace mauled.”

“Good work, Godzilla!” Nick called down to him, supremely relieved.

Godzilla recognized the gratitude and pride in his adopted parent’s voice, and let out a happy roar. With and expression that everyone present could swear was a smile, he dove gracefully back into the ocean. The mighty splash again caused the _HEAT Seeker_ to sway, but this time it was far away enough not to be spent spinning. Inside, Elsie pumped her fist into the air with an excited shout.

“We did it, Mendel!”

“All in a day’s work.” Mendel watched as Godzilla’s tail slice through the water, sending a stream of spray across the ocean surface.

Elsie looked at Mendel for a moment before clearing her throat. “Good thing Nigel pulled through alright,” she said.

Mendel nodded. “Yeah, thanks to Randy,” he said.

“And even if he is banged up a little,” Elsie added, “there’s nobody better at fixing things around here than you.”

Startled, Mendel turned to look at her, but she had already turned to the boat’s controls and begun to steer them back to shore. He couldn’t help smiling to himself. It was a cold day in July that Elsie gave him that kind of compliment. He went back to the radio and contacted Nick.

“Heading back now,” he said.

“Roger that. Meet you there,” Nick responded. Out the window Mendel could see him in the cockpit of the chopper giving him a thumbs-up. Mendel waved back. He saw Randy lean over Nick’s shoulder and wave as well.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Mendel knelt on the floor of the basement, screwing the last bolt into place. Leaning back again, he patted Nigel on the head.

“Good as new,” he said happily. Nigel had been bashed up a bit and waterlogged, but at least he’d been in one piece. Any longer in the water in that condition, though, and he may have short-circuited. Thanks to Randy he was in good shape after only an hour or two of Mendel’s repair work.

“Looking good, Doc,” Randy said, walking over to put his hand on Mendel’s shoulder. “Couldn’t have done better myself.”

“Of course _you_ couldn’t.” Mendel stood, brushing the grime off his hands. “But he does have you to thank in part. If you hadn’t saved him, he might be in pieces right now as I tried to save his circuits.”

Randy shrugged, but it was clear he was pleased. “I figured I owed him, after that coffee.”

They started walking out together. “Has the office been disinfected yet?” Mendel asked.

“Nope. The cleaners are booked till tomorrow. Looks like you and me will have to share with Nick for today,” Randy said.

Mendel sighed. “Let’s hope the mutant madness can hold out till I get my computer back.”

They headed up the stairs to the study. It was empty now; Nick and Elsie were busy cleaning up what was left of the mutant mushroom in the ocean, and Monique was off doing whatever it was she did when they weren’t on a mission. Tired, Mendel and Randy flopped onto the couch.

“Weird how the processing plant’s just going to get away with illegal dumping of hazardous waste,” Mendel said. “I bet Nick’s really mad about it.”

“Are you kidding? He’s furious,” Randy said. “But there’s all those loopholes in the system he’s been trying to get rid of for years. You can bet he’s not about to give up now.”

“That’s true,” Mendel reflected. He suddenly thought of something else. “What about that guy you bought the mushroom from? Nick said he told them he and his wife ate part of it. You think they’ll be okay?”

Randy snickered. “Elsie and I fixed up a little check-up for them tomorrow. Funny thing, it used to be next October…weird how these things just sneak up on you like that.”

Mendel rolled his eyes. “You hacked into his medical files and rescheduled it, didn’t you?”

“Hey, you want to be sure he’s okay, don’t you?” Randy asked.

“Well, yes, I suppose that’s true.” And after all, that was what’s most important. Mendel sighed comfortably and put his feet up on the coffee table.

“Want to call out for a pizza?” Randy asked.

“Sure, I’m starving,” Mendel said.

“What do you want?” Randy reached for the phone.

“Deluxe with everything on it,” Mendel said. “But hold the mushrooms.”


End file.
